saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
