she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
