There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
