saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
