I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
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Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
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How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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