I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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