i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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