Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
