If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
