if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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