Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
