i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
