Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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