Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
3pm strippers are depressing
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
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