she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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