You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
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His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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