see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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