how hairy? two words: wookie tits
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
please don't ironically join a cult
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