I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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