u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
