I wish I could teleport
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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