Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
