All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
