I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
