I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
operation have a gay friend backfired
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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