if you like me you must not know who I am
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
