Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
