i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
