Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
