im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
We got so high we made milksteak
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
