it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
