I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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