He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
