My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
