She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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