Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
