Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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