i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
