totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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