I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
