I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
