You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
