You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
