Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
