at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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