When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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