watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
