the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
im six kinds of drunk right now
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
