That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
