I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
