tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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