Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
