One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
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I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
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There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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