the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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