Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i think i have two assholes
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
