Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
