This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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