Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He kissed a someone with a penis
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
