my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
