Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
