Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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